When the sun is shining on your face, but you can't feel the warmth. When there is so much beauty around you, you know it's there, but the fog is so thick, you don't know if you will ever breathe again.
So many times I thought, "why am I feeling like this?! They tell you what depression feels like, but you don't really know until you KNOW." But, I'm sure it's still unique to everyone, all human experiences are.
I have had some really dark days since the birth of my 3rd child. Yes, I have 4, but each one comes with their own set of joys and challenges. Little things saved me at different moments. Often times it was the vulnerable words of another mother. I felt a little less alone. I take that back, I had dark days or scary thoughts pre-baby 3. I didn't recognize them for what they were at the time, though I knew up and down about intrusive thoughts, but when you are in it, again, the fog can be pretty thick.
I have talked to myself in circles about reasons why I struggled when I did. My gosh, I joined the ranks of people struggling in 2020. "If only I could have jumped back into my activity and routines with the kids, but Covid stripped me of my life-preservers that I had been counting on."
I'll just say it, I had postpartum depression.
There were days where I pleaded with the Lord, to be able to make it until Ryan could get home from work. I really struggled to be a kind, patient, loving mom. Still do, because that intense internal battle changes you. Bad habits were built and I have so much guilt. Have I ruined my sweet babies? Oh man, I've prayed. I pled for my children to forgive me, so many times. They always do, again, makes me wonder, have I ruined them?
The birth of Birdie seemingly healed many things for me, physically and mentally. No, that doesn't mean I haven't had a single dark day, or moment, or intrusive thought, or felt like some days are just TOO long, but the fog isn't always there, it's not so thick.
I can sympathize so much deeper now with different struggles that I see others facing. I'm still a horribly tough critic, but I have a more profound appreciation for what the Savior did for me. The lonely feelings of the world are agonizing.
I have dear friends who have shared their experiences with me in different ways. What I can say is, they are SO strong. The way they advocate for themselves, for the wellness of their families, fighting because they love their babies.
I have been jealous of those who recognize they are struggling and have the strength to reach out for the help they need.
If you check on someone and they say they are *fine or *ok, when they are usually *great or otherwise more cheerful, think of something you can do to show some love to them, no matter how small. In the darkest times I literally could not advocate for myself and my *ok or sharing of little frustrations or tiny asks of help was me SCREAMING for help, my *shouting that I was drowning. Some of my intrusive thoughts had me believing if I shared that I was struggling, that my children would be taken from me, so I couldn't really reach out. I was terrified of someone else taking care of my kids and me not being allowed to be with them, etc.
Things that helped me, big and small:
Gym membership April 2021-April 2022 -consistent and devoted exercise was hugely therapeutic. I could workout, have the kids cared for without having to wait for my husband to be off work and impede on the dinner time/bed time rush.
Real friends! Bunco group with my gal pals was a huge blessing of fun to look forward to every month.
Get outside. I may love the outdoors and know that it brings me LIFE, but something about motherhood coups me up inside and without intentionality, it can be days before I step outside. Getting chickens also helps with this. The daily easter egg hunts I had with free range chickens was great in adding a little daily excitement.
Movie for the kids that don't nap. They may have watched a lot of movies, but I usually got a nap, which was imperative with a baby that didn't sleep longer than a 3 hr stretch for at least 18months. (I understand why sleep deprivation is a form of torture…)
Awakening different senses. -eating a snickers bar while hiding in the pantry, sitting in the grass, smelling lotion while lathering your skin, etc.
It's Maternal Mental Health week and Mom's health matters. Please friends, know that you can share your struggles and joys with me. I know that just being able to say *it, admit you are having a hard time, in any way, can be largely relieving, like letting out the pressure on a super tight balloon or coming up for breath after sitting at the bottom of the pool.
I hope that my struggles can maybe cushion someone else's pains and help them not feel so alone, and that they can have a moment of bravery and boldness (or more than a moment) and ask for help and if they don't "hear" you, I know that deafening silence feels like it will break you. I'm SO grateful that our Father in Heaven hears us. I know He does.
