Maternal Mental Health - Postpartum Depression and Me

 When the sun is shining on your face, but you can't feel the warmth. When there is so much beauty around you, you know it's there, but the fog is so thick, you don't know if you will ever breathe again.

So many times I thought, "why am I feeling like this?! They tell you what depression feels like, but you don't really know until you KNOW." But, I'm sure it's  still unique to everyone,  all human experiences are.

I have had some really dark days since the birth of my 3rd child. Yes, I have 4, but each one comes with their own set of joys and challenges. Little things saved me at different moments. Often times it was the vulnerable words of another mother. I felt a little less alone. I take that back, I had dark days or scary thoughts pre-baby 3. I didn't recognize them for what they were at the time, though I knew up and down about intrusive thoughts, but when you are in it, again, the fog can be pretty thick.

I have talked to myself in circles about reasons why I struggled when I did. My gosh, I joined the ranks of people struggling in 2020. "If only I could have jumped back into my activity and routines with the kids, but Covid stripped me of my life-preservers that I had been counting on."

I'll just say it, I had postpartum depression.

There were days where I pleaded with the Lord, to be able to make it until Ryan could get home from work. I really struggled to be a kind, patient, loving mom. Still do, because that intense internal battle changes you. Bad habits were built and I have so much guilt. Have I ruined my sweet babies? Oh man, I've prayed. I pled for my children to forgive me, so many times. They always do, again, makes me wonder, have I ruined them? 

The birth of Birdie seemingly healed many things for me, physically and mentally.  No, that doesn't mean I haven't had a single dark day, or moment, or intrusive thought, or felt like some days are just TOO long, but the fog isn't always there, it's not so thick.

I can sympathize so much deeper now with different struggles that I see others facing. I'm still a horribly tough critic, but I have a more profound appreciation for what the Savior did for me. The lonely feelings of the world are agonizing. 

I have dear friends who have shared their experiences with me in different ways. What I can say is, they are SO strong. The way they advocate for themselves, for the wellness of their families, fighting because they love their babies.

I have been jealous of those who recognize they are struggling and have the strength to reach out for the help they need.  

If you check on someone and they say they are *fine or *ok, when they are usually  *great or otherwise more cheerful, think of something you can do to show some love to them, no matter how small. In the darkest times I literally could not advocate for myself and my *ok or sharing of little frustrations or tiny asks of help was me SCREAMING for help, my *shouting that I was drowning. Some of my intrusive thoughts had me believing if I shared that I was struggling, that my children would be taken from me, so I couldn't really reach out. I was terrified of someone else taking care of my kids and me not being allowed to be with them, etc.

Things that helped me, big and small:

 Gym membership April 2021-April 2022 -consistent and devoted exercise was hugely therapeutic.  I could workout, have the kids cared for without having to wait for my husband to be off work and impede on the dinner time/bed time rush.

Real friends! Bunco group with my gal pals was a huge blessing of fun to look forward to every month.

Get outside. I may love the outdoors and know that it brings me LIFE, but something about motherhood coups me up inside and without intentionality, it can be days before I step outside.  Getting chickens also helps with this. The daily easter egg hunts I had with free range chickens was great in adding  a little daily excitement. 

Movie for the kids that don't nap. They may have watched a lot of movies, but I usually got a nap, which was imperative with a baby that didn't  sleep longer than a 3 hr stretch for at least 18months. (I understand why sleep deprivation is a form of torture…)

Awakening different senses. -eating a snickers bar while hiding in the pantry, sitting in the grass, smelling lotion while lathering your skin, etc.

It's Maternal Mental Health week and Mom's health matters. Please friends, know that you can share your struggles and joys with me. I know that just being able to say *it, admit you are having a hard time, in any way, can be largely relieving, like letting out the pressure on a super tight balloon or coming up for breath after sitting at the bottom of the pool.

I hope that my  struggles can maybe cushion someone else's pains and help them not feel so alone, and that they can have a moment of bravery and boldness (or more than a moment) and ask for help and if they don't "hear" you, I know that deafening silence feels like it will break you. I'm SO grateful that our Father in Heaven hears us.  I know He does.  

Happy Birthday Sista!

I love you! ❤️  Thanks for always being someone I can count on. It was so great having a sister to grow up with. I remember how much I relied on my 'roommate', so much so, I felt hopeless if you got a sleepover invite. You lovingly gave me a framed picture of yourself so I would miss you less. 😂 I remember sleeping behind the couch (to be close to Mom and Dad) with your picture.

                   Happy Birthday! 

My kids love you and always tell me all the great things about you and why can't I be more like Auntie C? Haha!

Merry Christmas 2021!

 So Blessed!!!

Highlights:

Laddie (2)  loves to follow Daddy and do what he is doing. He often says when asked what he’s up to, “I workin”. He asks Mom every day to take him to UBTech so he can work with Dad. 

Soren (4) is all about tools and taking things apart. Screwdrivers are his favorite. He also really enjoys cuddling. 

Sharlee (6) started Kindergarten this year and is exploding with personality and jokes. She loves a good craft and drawing pictures for everyone. 

Micah runs around in a frenzy taking care of all the behind-the-scenes work. She has enjoyed going to exercise classes at the Rec Center while Sharlee is at school in the mornings. 

Ryan has been working like crazy doing side work/custom fabrication jobs this year and also became a Certified Welding Inspector.  We all run to him, cheering him on every day when he gets home from work. 

We are all extremely excited for baby sister to come to the family in March 2022. 

Merry Christmas sweet friends and family!!! 

 “For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace” (Isaiah 9:6)

With love, 

Ryan, Micah, Sharlee, Soren, & Laddie

Biighah and Missy

Christmas 2020- A Blurb

 

Merry Christmas!

We are so excited to have another wonderful Christmas to finish off this “life” filled year.  Ryan finally got his shop this year (a shipping container in the backyard) and has had a little bit of time building in and utilizing that space. The kids have enjoyed having chickens and ducks, especially Sharlee with her favorite chicken, Golden, who she pushes around in a doll stroller and totes around the yard. Soren loves riding his balance bike fast and talks about his future motorcycle all the time. Laddie keeps us all smiling with his growls, hugs, and big toothy smile. I’m just in the background hoping that I am keeping things running in some way!

We are so blessed and are trying to be kind, loving, and to be a friend in some way to anyone we see! We love you all!

~~ Ryan, Micah, Sharlee, Soren, and Laddie

2020

Laddie's Birth Story

      September 26th started out as just another "waiting day". My mom had arrived the night before and we started the morning feeding the kids breakfast and catching up. I made a smoothie for mom and myself. Once we finally got the kids dressed and ready to go somewhere it was nearly noon. I drove down the main street, showing my mom how to get anywhere she may need to go in the next week and then we took the kids to Remember the Maine Park. We enjoyed a small "hike" with the kids and then sat in the grass eating snacks and then let the kids play on the playground for a few minutes. 

      Once home we plopped Soren in bed for a nap and I made myself a chicken salad sandwich so that I could hurry and still squeeze in an afternoon nap. I like to get Soren up by 3 from his nap. 

I had really been trying to take naps in hopes that if I went into labor I either wouldn't be too tired to labor in the night or in hopes that relaxing in the day might help me to go into labor at an appropriate hour. 

     I got into bed about 2:20pm, but proceeded to get on Instagram and Facebook and intermittently tried to sleep. I had to get up to use the bathroom a time or two and at about 2:40pm had a contraction. Once I had another I decided to time them just for the heck of it, since they seemed more intense than ones in the past week. They were about 3 1/2 minutes apart and around 45 seconds long. I decided to get up and do something different to see if that changed things. 

    When I came back to the kitchen and Jules and Sharlee were doing a watercolor painting, Jules said, "you are supposed to be resting!" I told her "I know, but it's hard to sleep" and then added, "and I've had a few contractions".  She nearly jumped, "you have?!" I stopped timing contractions about this time and just tried to relax. Over the next 30min, I went to the bathroom a couple more times. Just before 3:30 I was in the bathroom and there was a small gush of fluid. ! That had to be my water, right?! When labor is starting or even in full swing, I usually have a hard time believing it, or at least try to remain sort of unconnected for as long as I can. 

    I began to knock on the bathroom wall and call for my mom. She heard the knocking and was a little confused. Sharlee told her someone was at the door so they checked the front door and then heard me say " I am in the bathroom. Come here." They checked the hall bathroom and finally made it to my room. I told my mom that my water broke and she seemed pretty excited and asked, "well, what can I do?" I asked for my phone to call Ryan and the midwife. I actually had talked to Ryan about 10min previous and asked when he would be coming home, because "things might be happening". He told me he would be home probably in an hour. So, I called him again and he said he was just getting in his truck to come home. I told him my water broke and he said, "Sweet!" 

   Next, I called the midwife and she said she would get ready and that she would see if her assistant/another midwife could come over and check that it was amniotic fluid, since she lives closer to me. 

    The next hour was filled with my mom bustling around, pulling Soren out of his bed and getting the kids ready to go somewhere and Ryan bustling around getting the things ready that were on his "labor list".  He asked if it was ok if he showered quick and I said, "If it's the fastest dang shower of your life because you have things to do." He changed his mind and his clothes to be clean and more comfortable. 

     Megan (our assistant) showed up just before 4:30 and confirmed that it was amniotic fluid, my water did break. She looked at my contraction timing and that they weren't all about a minute long, but of course, I was timing while people were asking me different questions of where things were and what to do with the kids, etc.  She stepped out and called Heather (midwife) and then came and sat down on the couch to quietly observe//be present if I needed something. 

   My mom was trying to get the kids out the door, but Sharlee was so upset and said, "But I want to watch the baby come out!" Soon they were gone and I labored through contractions mostly on my hands and knees while Ryan was at the table eating. He and the midwife began taking turns putting pressure on my lower back through contractions.  

    I went to the bathroom and had more intense contractions and Ryan helped me. The midwife said that I sounded like things were getting more intense. I came out of the bathroom with the intention of getting back to the living room but ended up on the floor just inside my room. I knelt down and breathed low tones through contractions, swaying my head back and forth.  Labor is interesting because it is a time where I am pulled very inward. I felt as though I had two people inside me. One was the voice telling me, "this is ridiculous! Why am I here again? I know better. If I am ever pregnant again I am going to just go to the hospital and get all the things so I don't have to go through this." Then I was able to focus on my true voice and remember the things I had on my bathroom mirror. One little card says, "Meditation is positive remembering". I thought about how strong I am, how capable I am, how I have been here before, and it is the most amazing thing, I get a great prize at the end! I also leaned heavily on the strength of women, the many women who have done this, we were made for this, etc. It was an empowering moment for me. During this, Heather had come and they were taking turns sitting by me and making sure everything was prepped, there was enough warm water in the birth pool,etc. Heather asked if I wanted to get into the birth pool. I wanted to but I also wanted to put it off as long as I could, because in labor's past I felt like I spent so much time in the water, labor is long, etc. So, I started to get up but stayed down as I had another contraction or two together. She said if I was going to move, I better take this opportunity. So I got up and went to the next room and got into the birth pool.  This was around 5:30. They turned out the light so it wasn't so bright. Ryan sat in front of me and held my arms or kissed my forehead and gave me sips of water. 

   The midwives said it was 5:50 when I started pushing. My head was resting on the side of the pool and I was focused completely inward. I had my hand down and I felt Laddie's head an inch or two from coming out. I held his head as it moved downwards. Heather said, "Reach down and feel your baby's head." The best I could I said, "I already am." Ryan looked at her and said, "He's coming already???" I "shushed" him and Ryan said the midwife gave him a look that matched his feelings of, -oh, let's be quiet-. He thought I shushed him because I didn't want to hear something like that when it was still going to take a while. As I slowly breathed and he was emerging, I made sure to slow things down, trying not to tear. It was a surreal feeling to be in control. His head came out and it seemed to be one quick second before I pulled him up out of the water and put him to my chest and leaned back. Ryan looked shocked that I was holding our boy. He was born at 6:03pm

   Ryan came around behind me and we just loved on Laddie and talked to him. He was breathing great, looking around and had great cries. They put warm towels around him and in a couple minutes they helped me to get my now wet shirt and bra off to nurse him. 

    Once I birthed the placenta, we slowly got up and moved to our room to lay down on the bed. Ryan got to cut the cord and we soon had some time in the room just the three of us. We didn't know what time he had been born, but we were just both in awe together that we were already loving on our sweet little boy!

    The midwives came back in and checked on us more and got Laddie's stats, etc.  

   Ryan called my mom to let her know she could bring the kids home and that the baby was born about 2 hours previous. When they arrived Sharlee came straight to my room and was surely the happiest girl in the world! She loves this little boy! Then Ryan called his family and Sharlee told them that she had a new little brother!!

    She has reminded me quite a few times that she really wanted to watch him come out! She is now very much excited to get married someday so she can have her own babies and be the mommy that is in charge of the baby and can hold her babies whenever she wants and kiss her babies all over the face! 

    Soren was also very excited. He has had so much energy and loves kissing his brother. He does remind me, very seriously, "you are  MY mom!" He doesn't want to be forgotten!

We LOVE our children!

Approx. labor time: 3 hrs, 20min

Laddie Forest Taylor

7lbs, 4oz

21inches

Merry Christmas! 2018

Merry Christmas!

We have heard it said many times that the Lord has different plans for our lives than we do. It’s great to look back on the year and see the many ways in which we have been blessed.

The first half of our year flew by with the regular, day to day activities. Ryan enjoyed being in Scouting and Young Men’s at church and the kids and I played, read, and I did a lot of school work while the rest of the family slept. We also enjoyed family work of building a fence in our back yard and other fun work.

Throughout the summer we spent time at the pool and went to the lake with friends. In July I graduated from Brigham Young University-Idaho with a Bachelor of Science in Marriage and Family Studies. We were all so happy to have that done! Ryan accepted a job as a welding instructor at Uintah Basin Technical College, so we had to figure out all the details of moving to Vernal, Utah…quickly!

Within the first two weeks of August, Soren turned 1 and started walking, we sold our house, and Ryan left, with all our things, to Utah to start working. The kids and I stayed for three more weeks in an empty house to finish up the details.

Through the fall I have ran a few 5K’s, and at the end of October the kids and I made a trip back to Arizona so that I could go on my first deer hunt. I shot a nice 3pt on opening morning and we spent the rest of the week enjoying Halloween festivities and meat processing.

Ryan is currently renting a hangar at the local airport to use as a shop, because a man has got to have his space (which there is not a lot of in our little apartment)!

Sharlee spends most of her free time asking for treats and making great arguments for why she needs them. She is also very excited to be 3 years old just before Christmas. All she really wants is cake! Soren is still the cuddliest boy and loves closing doors for us while saying, “door, door, door”.

We were all so sad to have to say bye to our little home in Globe, AZ, especially when we had just put in our woodstove, new chimney, and painted! It was hard to close that door!

We are so blessed!!! We hope you are all doing well and feel the love of the Savior that shines so brightly on all of us!

Love,

 Ryan, Micah, Sharlee, & Soren TAYLOR

Ramblings on a Thursday

In the film Yours, Mine and Ours, it is shown and stated that the work of a mother is important, vital even. 

Helen North in this movie, in the beginning, states that it took her a long time to begin to understand children and especially her own. Humility is a key ingredient in people being malleable. It is in humbleness that we can grow, step back from the things we know and move forward into the unknown. 

I fear challenges and enjoy being where I am comfortable. I am sure this is something many people can say is true for them. Even with that, I love adventures, challenging myself, and learning new things. Those two statements don’t seem to describe the same person, but I would counter that they often do. Marriage is something that no matter what, we dive into. There are challenges that come our way that we could have no idea we would face when we were looking forward to marriage. Sure, standing on the outside you look proudly on, hand in hand, excited for the future and confident in the strength that you and your spouse-to-be have created together. 

In my short 4 ½ years of marriage I have often been faced, or we have been faced with challenges that seemed daunting, yet we did not have a choice whether we would face them or not. We had already made that decision back when we signed the papers and exchanged rings. Man did some of those challenges burn in so many ways, but it is true that looking back, it is like overlooking a magnificent vista; the pure sky after a terrible storm.